In the Midst

Of all my worst days in the last 23.5 years, November 20 2016 takes the cake for the worst. Nothing in this life, no matter how awful, prepares you to lose someone you love, let alone your best friend at 21 years old. I’ve witnessed this type of tragedy ruin other people’s lives over and over and over again, always thinking “I don’t know how I’d survive without my best friend” but here I am…somehow surviving. Grieving has been a painfully slow process and if I’m being honest, I’m nowhere near the finish line, but I can tell you that I'm closer. I’ve learned more about myself in the last two years than I ever thought imaginable.

I’ve learned I am SO strong. I’ve learned Jesus IS always with me. I’ve learned my family DOES want what’s best for me. I’ve learned my friends DO care about me. I’ve learned it’s okay to grieve.

Those few statements seem so simple, but I struggled believing them after Morgan’s death. You see, losing Morgan was like losing my paddle while kayaking in the middle of the ocean trying to find the shoreline. I felt lost, out of control and helpless. There was nothing I could do to change what had happened in the last 12 hours. This feeling was like a whale and it swallowed me whole.

I didn't realize what was happening in my mind... nor did I even realize it was eventually going to effect my physical body. I soon became unable to go to the grocery store alone without have an anxiety attack. These attacks would consume me when I was alone or felt like I couldn't control the situation. My anxiety was becoming a physical limitation as well as giving me crippling social anxiety hindering my life outside of the house. My family saw this as red flags, and hounded me about seeing a counselor. After months of trying to figure it out on my own, I decided to give it a try, and I can now say that I am glad I did. Never be ashamed to ask for help.

My therapist eventually talked to me about anxiety because it was obvious that I was experiencing it to a great extent. According to Google, anxiety is a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome. Dealing with anxiety alone can be a very dark and painful place. Prior to this, I was dealing with the weight of anxiety alone, but not because no one tried, but because I did not want help. Anxiety put huge blinders on me and it took a lot of work and effort and professional help to show me those.

I was feeling so many emotions that I realize now I wasn't allowing myself to work through. I felt like it made me look weak if I didn’t slap on a smile and answer “good” after someone asked how I was doing. I felt like Jesus had abandoned me in the middle of that ocean with nothing. I felt like my family wanted me to function normally without understanding the pain I was in. I felt like my friends were all having fun with their other friends while I had no one. I felt like I wasn’t allowed to grieve because Morgan and I weren’t blood related.

This was my toxic story or false narrative that I kept replaying in my mind day after day, night after night, furthering the hurt in my own heart. 

These lies filled my head constantly through the end of 2016 and most of 2017. I was still struggling into the late 2017 until my family finally decided to go to Trader’s Point Christian Church West one Sunday morning. I specifically recall it being the first Sunday of the new year - January 7, 2018. I remember walking in thinking “this will only last an hour or so and I won’t be back after this. We've tried this before, but we always fall off and stop coming."

Well, I was wrong, so wrong. My family, consisting of myself, my fiancé, my mom, my brother, my  sister, and my brother-in-law got up every Sunday morning for the next few weeks to attend church and to listen to the real, raw and life-giving messages. It wasn’t until mid-April (when I finally got my 2018 planner) and I was making yearly goals that I realized we had been going to church pretty consistently for 4ish months. I was excited to realize this and began reflecting on how much of a difference it had made in my life. So I made it a goal of mine to hear every sermon in a couple week sermon series because I would always miss one for different reasons. All of the sermons were great, but none of them spoke to me like the most recent series did, titled “On Edge.” This series focuses on talking about anxiety and depression and how to receive peace only Jesus can bring us.

How ironic, I thought – we start a series on anxiety only 2 days before the 2 year anniversary of the day that triggered my battle with anxiety. I knew I had to be there this weekend. And I was. And it. was. great. Our lead pastor specifically said: “Ask God to show you in what ways you may judge yourself for experiencing anxiety, depression, or other forms of mental illness. Ask him to help you recognize his love for you as you struggle with anxiety and depression and to know he will use your life for his purposes. As difficult as it may be in the middle of deep darkness, ask God to remind you that anxiety and depression are tunnels to walk through, not pits where you’ll be trapped forever. Ask God to help you sense his presence with you as you walk through your struggle, and to give you the right thoughts to dwell on as you seek to heal.” This passage spoke volumes to me. I am learning to recognize God's love for me through the midst of grief. God is still good even when life is not.

I’m in a much better place, mentally and spiritually, now than I was at the beginning of this year, but the Lord was telling me to be vulnerable and share my journey with all of you. Because it is still a journey, I am still working and learning and living more of life little by little. I am proud of where God has brought me from and the darkness I’ve come out of, but I still have a long way to travel.

I owe such a huge thank you to my church for providing me with amazing sermons, daily bible readings, an awesome pastor to do our pre-marital counseling, opportunities to serve the special needs community, incredible nights of worship and prayer and the list goes on. I never knew a big church coming to the west side would change my life and my family's, but it really has. God is using this church and I am so grateful to be a part of it.

Anxiety and depression are very real, and most of us have lived with it in some way. You can watch the first sermon  here and I encourage you to share it with those struggling. It’s a two part series so you’ll have to come back for next weeks - or you can join us Sunday morning! Find times and locations here.

As I wrap this up I need to also say thank you to my best friend. Morgan Taylor, thank you for being the most loving human being with such a sweet soul. Thank you for giving me a safe space to say ANYTHING, no matter the level of awkwardness that may come after. Thank you for giving me 15 years of the best friendship; I pray everyone experiences the type of friendship we had in their lifetime. Thank you for loving me like your sister and never letting me forget it. Thank you, most of all, for forcing me to challenge myself to press into Jesus while dealing with anxiety. You, my love, are my best friend forever. I miss you more and more every day. 2 years closer to seeing you again ♥

It should go without saying, but thank you to my tribe. My family, my fiancé, my friends, my everyone. Thank you.

In the midst, I remain thankful.

"The Joy of the Lord is my strength." - Nehemiah 8:10 ✝

New Year, New Me?

Hello, 2017! I don't know how you're here, but I guess I'm glad you are. I feel as if my life has just flown by these past few years. Heck, it feels like just yesterday I was graduating high school and I "should" be graduating college in May - it'll be December for me, but still. Adulting is coming at me, way too quickly.

If you read my previous post, or follow me on any social media, you know 2016 didn't exactly end in the best way. Death and sadness surrounded my life - I lost my best friend in a tragic car accident. I think I've gone through just about all the "steps" of grieving. Although, sometimes I feel like I take one step forward towards accepting and two steps back in the direction of denial. One thing I've learned during these last (almost) two months, is that it's okay to hurt and be sad. I've always had a difficult time with feelings [because ew, who wants to express how they feel rather than just keeping it all bottled up? That's my speciality ;) ]. My new favorite way of expressing how I feel is writing. After all, that is why you're here! With that being said, I've decided to focus my writing on not only my feelings/expressions, but how great God's love is. This is all apart of my "New Year, New Me" resolution for 2017.

My beautiful sister, Danika, challenged me to pick one word to focus on for all of 2017. There's like 8 bagillion words in this world so how in the heck was I supposed to pick just one?! Prayer of course. After many conversations with the big man upstairs and my family, I've chosen the word intentional. According to the good ole Google, intentional means "done on purpose, deliberate." So deliberately eating those double chocolate chip brownies? Got it ;) but on the reals...

I'm going to intentionally tell my family, boyfriend, friends, loved ones, strangers, everyone, how much not only I love, care and appreciate them, but how much God does too.

I'm going to intentionally take myself to counseling to learn how to grieve and express my feelings the right way. There's so much unhappy stigma around counseling and I truly don't understand why. My nana has always said, "everyone needs a therapist" so I'm taking her advice to the extreme this time ;)

I'm going to intentionally enjoy the last twelve months of my school career because learning is cool (even when it's insanely hard). Also because after this year I'm going to have to go to work everyday...ugh.

I'm going to intentionally read my bible (app), go to church on Sundays & read my daily devotional. I need it because I need a constant reminder to trust in His path. I know He's doing great things in and for me.

I'm going to intentionally make time for social activities. I've begun to feel myself slowly drifting into a depression-like state-of-mind and that's a no go for me. A few weeks ago I had an actual panic attack at Walmart while shopping with my brother. He walked to the other side of the store to get something and I freaked. Started hyperventilating, forgot what I was doing/where things were in the store, just felt alone and scared. My current goal is to do one social activity outside of my home, in public, every other week. Before losing Morgan, this totally wouldn't have been a big deal for me, but sometimes life becomes challenging. Even with things we used to be masters at.

I'm going to intentionally watch what I eat/drink. I know, such a basic "resolution" but my body is a temple and I need to treat it that way.

I'm going to intentionally continue being the strong person (I think) I am. I've always been good at rolling with the punches of life - I've needed assistance the past few months, but I'm going to get back on my game this year.

I'm going to intentionally enjoy 2017. So much of me wants to wallow in the loss of Morg and just stay there forever, but I know she would hate me if I did that.

Mentally, physically and emotionally, I'm exhausted, but I'm ready for the challenging journey ahead. I wrote this blog to hold myself accountable and to have others do the same for me. Will there be days I slip up? Absolutely - but by trusting in God's plan, word and way of life, I'll find my way back. I encourage all 800 people (holy cow, that's insane! Thanks for the love and support! ♥) that read my blog to pick one word to focus on for the entire year. I would love to know what it is! Check out myoneword.org if you need assistance in picking a word :)


Much love ya'll. Xoxo

"The Joy of the Lord is my strength." - Nehemiah 8:10 ✝

No Thanks, November

12:01AM. 1 minute after midnight on December 1, 2016 and I’m already praying this month is better than November. After reflecting on this school year and the year 2016 in general, I’ve come to the conclusion that November was the most challenging month I had all year (and maybe even past years). With 10 other months in competition, I’m still questioning how I made it out of this month alive if I ranked it as the worst. So what left me feeling not thankful during the month you're supposed to be the most thankful?
Fired

I first fell in love with the art of color guard my freshman year of high school and spun until I graduated in 2013. May of my senior year I began a fantastic journey instructing my first color guard at Brownsburg High School. On November 8, while I was sitting at dinner - with the world's greatest fam♥ - I got a text explaining that I would no longer have a position with the Brownsburg Color Guard program. This happened because the new band director decided a "staff change" was necessary to make the kids successful (hi, that's hurtful). Over the past almost 4 years, I have put my heart and soul into that program. In my first two years there I grew the program, requiring two high school winter guards and one middle school winter guard. I reserved every Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday for rehearsals and competitions for the last four years - I don't even want to do the math to figure out how much time that is. I had never gotten fired before, but that wasn't even my worry. I was worried sick about my students - I cried non-stop for about 3 hours. This left me feeling empty inside because those were my babies and the person taking over didn't (and still doesn't) know them the way I do. My phone was blowing up with messages and calls for about two days after. Now I only get a couple messages a week. The kids miss me, and I tremendously miss the kids, but I couldn't change it. I really did think my whole world was crashing down around me when I realized I would never go back to the high school for a rehearsal.

Rejection

College, college, college. Internship, internship, internship. Career, career, career. This is all I've heard the last four years. August 2016 I began my senior year of college at the Kelley School of Business Indianapolis at IUPUI. Right now, I'm set to graduate December 2017 with 3 majors: Marketing, Supply Chain Management & Human Resource Management. Throughout this semester I've applied for approximately 20 internships. Side note: I have a super great internship at Vertellus right now, just need something different for next summer. I had a few interviews here and there, feeling extra lucky to get at least one offer...nope. Instead, I received six rejection letters in one day. My self-esteem and hopefulness for the future: at an all time low. I cried, screamed and questioned why I wasn't good enough but ultimately, I couldn't change it. God will provide.

Sick

I'm not just talking a little runny nose and sinus infection (although those do suck), I had viral bronchitis...for the entire month of November. I had about 5 people in my everyday life at work/school that had pneumonia so I guess I should've known something bad was coming. When I went to the doctor she prescribed me [f o u r] new medicines. One for the atrocious cough - couldn't drive on this one (how inconvenient is that?!?), another one for the cough - I could drive with this one, an inhaler for my cough (ew, I don't know how people with asthma do it. Kudos to you!) and one for the fever/every other symptom. I don't take any medicine everyday, I'm not allergic to anything, I'm a pretty healthy girl. This bronchitis came at the worst possible time though, school final projects were in full swing. I ended up missing my second capstone presentation (because my professor refused to allow me to come to class in protection of his own health). My immune system failed me, but I couldn't change it.

Death

First, let me introduce you to the most beautiful girl ever: Morgan Taylor Holt, my best friend for almost 15 years. She is the epitome of everything beautiful and great. Blonde hair, brown eyes, perfect teeth (no braces - lucky girl!), skinny minnie, smart - she was going to ISU studying biology and pre-vet, flawless in every way and so so SO loved. Morg came into my life when her + her fam moved in two houses down from my childhood home. Little did I know, we'd be inseparable for [y e a r s] to come. Her favorite flowers are sunflowers (totally the reason my blog is called Sunflowers + Shailyn - we did everything together, so this is nothing different! She's always with me!). Morg and I loved letting people know we were best friends because we were so proud of it. At the beginning of our friendship we learned we were one day, one month and one year apart. Every picture we posted, comment we left or status written contained our ever so famous "1|1|1 ♥" tacked onto the end of our loving words to one another. On November 20, I got the worst phone call(s) of my life...but I actually didn't answer either one. My sister got woken up at 5AM, drove 40 minutes to my mom's, woke her up + told her then they came downstairs to tell me together at 6AM. I could've sworn this was an awful nightmare I was experiencing. Life wasn't supposed to be this way? I wasn't supposed to lose my best friend at the age of 21? What was going on? I'll go into further detail in one of my upcoming blog posts. I had so many feelings that moment/day/week, it deserves a whole post. I know I said I thought my world was crashing down around me when I lost my job, but oh my gosh, this...this was it. My world as I knew it, did coming crashing down around me, but I couldn't change it. My heart is still so, so sad/broken/lost/every other adjective you could think of to describe the sudden death of your best friend. 12 days down, forever to go.

Remaining

So, overall, this month sucked. And that's an understatement. But one thing keeps me remaining thankful: Christ. My oh my is He so fantastic! I know I questioned Him more this month than I probably ever have before (can you blame me?), but that doesn't mean I don't remain faithful. Logically I know He remains good and that's what keeps me going in the long run. I have many other people to be thankful for also: my crazy supportive and loving family, boyfriend, best friend Megan and all other friends. Thank you to them, to everyone that sent their love and condolences for the loss of my precious Morgan, to my students for telling me how much they miss and appreciate me, to my body for finally kicking this bronchitis' butt, to my mom for reminding me it only takes one company to say yes (even if there's a million "no" beforehand), thank you to everyone for being in my life. Here's to hoping for a decent December!

Remain thankful ya'll.
Much love. Xoxo

"The Joy of the Lord is my strength." - Nehemiah 8:10 ✝